Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
