Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
