Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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