OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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