I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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