I will die if light touches me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
