after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
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