I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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