I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
