I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
