cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
