please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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