I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
