He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
