I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
