There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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