i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
