my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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