I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
