Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
