can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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