I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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