Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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