trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
