Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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