i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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