yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
