two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
