I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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