I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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