That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
