K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
