Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Enjoy the penises
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize