genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
