the condom got lost in my hair
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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