I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
