I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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