Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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