shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
