if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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