If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
