Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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