Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
