1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
