at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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