I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
