my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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