woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
