I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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