my mouth tastes like poor choices
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
