did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
