Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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