I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize