i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
