I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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