I puked a lego.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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